Dealing with leaders who have a mixture of know-nothingness, distaste, and ineptness can be one of the most challenging issues in personal relationships, both in the workplace and at home. This three-way mixture of qualities is a very toxic blend, which can lead to frustration, demotivation and an enormous waste of mental energy. But there are good ways of handling these interactions, defending one’s sanity and maintaining some semblance of civility and productivity. The secret is an attitude that blends a measure of assertiveness, emotional detachment and strategic communication.
The initial necessary step is being in control of one’s emotional reaction. In the face of arrogance, hostility and plain incompetence, one’s natural reaction is irritation or anger. Giving in to such emotions, however, always proves to be unproductive. Inciting a direct confrontation on a personal level or allowing oneself to be lured into an angry argument will simply feed the ego of the know-it-all type, give the obnoxious guy a reason to ratchet up his negativeness, and, in the meantime, will have no positive effect on his incompetence. It is necessary, therefore, to cultivate calmness and self-control. Pausing to take a deep breath before responding, backing away if the conversation gets heated, or simply counting to ten may sound absurd advice, but these are sound strategies for creating a space between reaction and action and allowing a more reflective and less reflexive response.
Moving from the subjective to the objective level
Having gained control over one’s own emotions, one then needs to learn assertive communication skills. Assertiveness is not the same as aggression; it is the expression of one’s opinions, needs and limits clearly, directly and respectfully without evasiveness or servility. With this type of leader, communication needs to be concise and fact-based. Avoid side tracking, personal comments or judgments on the individual. Instead of saying, ‘You are arrogant and don’t get anything’, an alternative would be, “For this project, the facts reveal that this is the correct procedure. I ask you to follow it to reach the goal”.
Such an approach deflects the focus from the subjective level to the objective level of the task or problem at hand, thus becoming less convenient for the interlocutor to have grounds for barren polemic. Established limits are another important pillar. Obnoxious people and know-it-alls like to invade other individuals’ space, both physically and verbally. One must define what one will and won’t tolerate.
Make deviations more difficult
This can involve limiting the time and frequency of which you have contacts that are not necessary. If it’s a coworker, you may choose to communicate with them primarily by email, thus having a paper trail and avoiding direct confrontation. If the meeting cannot be avoided, it is best to stick to the topic at hand and bring it to an end as soon as possible. Using the phrase “I appreciate your input, now we need to get back to work” or “If you don’t have another urgent matter to discuss, I will resume my duties” are good ways of politely but firmly ending a conversation. Where there is incompetence, the strategy calls for some extra dose of pragmatism, especially in a business context.
If one’s own business is adversely impacted by this individual’s activity, it is wise to keep records. Monitoring communications, decisions, and lost deadlines does not help to “frame” the other individual. It helps to safeguard one’s own work and to have information to present in case of escalating the situation to a superior. Wherever possible, it is helpful to offer explicit instruction in writing and to divide tasks into straightforward, measurable steps. It is best to ensure that all activity that can be monitored is monitored. This minimises ambiguities and makes it more difficult for the incompetent leader to deviate.
In the end you will grow up, and he will not
Finally, it is not wise to let other individuals’ behaviour replace one’s own self-esteem or worth. Know-it-allness may mask underlying insecurity, and dislike may be an aftermath of own issues irrelevant to the sufferer. Acknowledging that these behaviours reflect the other individual’s limitations and struggles and not a reflection on one’s own self-worth is an important move in being able to keep one’s psychological balance.
Keeping company with positive and constructive individuals, engaging in what one is passionate about outside the situation where the challenging encounter happens, and keeping track of one’s own accomplishments and achievements assists in creating a buffer against adversity. Dealing with a leader who is not merely know-it-all, obnoxious and incompetent requires a multi-pronged approach: control over oneself to avoid getting entangled in provocation, assertive and fact-oriented communication to avoid generating personal conflicts, setting of boundaries to maintain space and, in the case of incompetence, strict pragmatism to maintain outcomes. This is a “defusing” strategy that, while being patient and clear, allows the individual to neutralise the negative potential of these dynamics and uphold their professionalism and integrity.
